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16 CV Lies Recruiters Are On To

This post originally appeared on Buzzfeed.com.

1. “I have very open availability, and am willing to work overtime to get the job done.”

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What the candidate really means: YOU BETTER BE PAYING ME IF I WORK OVER THE 37.5 HOUR QUOTA.

2. “I have fantastic customer service and people skills.”

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What the candidate really means: I hate people. People are the worst. But I will fake a smile if I’m getting paid for it.

3. “I’m an honest and trust-worthy person.”

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What the candidate really means: This very resume, and all the information in it, is a at least *slightly* exaggerated. Because I need some MONEY.

4. “I’m an extremely hardworking individual.”

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Whatthe candidate really means: TBH work isn’t like, my ideal place to be. But unfortunately, I need money to live, so here I am.

5. “I can work effectively as part of a team.”

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What the candidate really means: As long as I get credit, because it was all MY IDEA.

6. “I’m exceptionally organised.”

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What the candidate really means: Wait, what time was my dentist appointment? Was it today? Wait… what day is it?

7. “I have experience using [insert name of difficult software you’ve never heard of here].”

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What the candidate really means: I have no idea what Sage is or how to use it, but I will watch YouTube tutorials before I start work, OK?

8. “I’m highly motivated with a can-do attitude.”

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What the candidate really means: HEH. #Procrastination4Life baby.

9. “I work well under pressure.”

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What the candidate really means: I will go in to extreme panic mode and likely have a nervous breakdown, but work will get done.

10. “My written and verbal communication skills are first-rate.”

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What the candidate really means: I got a B in English and writing, but I got an A+ in pretending like I know what the hell is going on.

11. “I have a strong work ethic.”

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What the candidate really means: I am super determined to GET THIS OVER WITH.

12. “My ability to multitask is unparalleled.”

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What the candidate really means: And by multi-task, I mean I can tweet and make a coffee at the same time.

13. “I’m semi-fluent in [enter language necessary to get job].”

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What the candidate really means: I can use Google translate, or, like get an app.

14. “I can make decisions effectively, efficiently, and all on my own.”

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What the candidate really means: OK, I can’t even decide what sandwich I should have for lunch, unless I have a lot of options in front of me. But I can TRY.

15. “I’m a proactive and energetic person.”

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What the candidate really means: I’m proactive and energetic after coffee and red bull are in my system.

16. And, “I’m a real problem solver.”

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What the candidate really means: I will solve my workday stresses at Friday happy hour.

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