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How many times have you read the words “Dynamic“, “Team player” or “Highly motivated“, in relation to a candidate’s opinion of their own professional abilities, on their CV? 2,567,899 times? Close enough I’d say! Well, now it’s time to get to the bottom of what job seekers actually mean when making such bold statements about their professional prowess!
As posted on Buzzfeed.com on Tuesday, this is a comprehensive list of what people say on their CV, versus what they really mean when saying it! Happy Friday Recruiters!
What People Say On Their CV VS. What They Mean
1. Dynamic – No-one knows what this means. Writing it down anyway.
2. Accustomed to thinking outside the box – Sometimes I use pink AND yellow highlighter pens.
3. Committed to fostering a creative environment – I bloody love flipcharts.
4. Serial entrepreneur – My businesses keep failing.
5. Visionary – I think I’m wonderful.
6. Intensely results focused – Shark-eyed psychopath who is gunning for your job.
7. Unflappable – My response to most things: ¯\_(Ã£Æ’€ž)_/¯.
8. Team player – This should set me apart from all the anti-social loners who apply for the job.
9. I’m detail-oriented – As opposed to those people who despise detail of all kinds.
10. I work well in a group – Bet you’ve never heard that one before.
11. High emotional intelligence – I will spend most lunchtimes crying in the toilets.
12. Inspirational leadership style – Everyone hates me.
13. I’m passionate about – I will now bullshit outrageously on the subject of
14. Looking for a new challenge – About to be fired.
15. Highly motivated – Desperate.
16. I’m enthusiastic – I will suggest all manner of annoying team-bonding exercises.
17. Hobbies include – I haven’t quite filled a side of A4 yet, so
18. Reading, watching films, and socialising – Don’t act like you’re not intrigued.
19. Energetic – As opposed to being sluggish and indolent.
20. Committed – Will turn up to work most days, hangovers permitting.
21. Proactive – I do stuff.
22. I have a wide range of skills – I’m not very good at anything.
23. Punctual – I get in ten minutes early to steal all the nice biscuits.
24. I bring out the best in people – I’m so lazy everybody else has to work twice as hard.
25. Proficient in a wide range of information technologies, including Microsoft Word – I cannot think of anything to write here.
26. Creative powerhouse – Nobody is as good at nicking other people’s ideas as me.
27. Have become an invaluable member of the team – Nobody else knows how to unblock paper jams in the photocopier.
28. Driven – I maintain inbox zero with an obsessive zeal that will make you fear for my sanity.
29. Intense – Dreadful wanker.
30. I’m a people person – I’m that guy who asks everyone to gather round and awkwardly sing happy birthday to you at your desk.
31. I’m a perfect fit for the team – I haven’t actually met the team yet but
32. I’m a problem solver – I will find supposed problems where none exist.
33. Strong interpersonal skills – Capable of handling most workplace situations without headbutting anyone or calling them a tosser.
34. I’m a born organiser – I love scheduling pointless meetings.
35. I’m creative – I love scheduling pointless brainstorms.
36. I’m professional – I love creating pointless spreadsheets.
37. I’m easygoing and laid back – You don’t expect me to do actual work, do you?
38. I’m fun and outgoing – I think this is a dating profile.
39. References available upon request – Praying you don’t request references.
40. I’m always looking for new challenges – I’ve failed all my previous challenges.
41. Social media skills – I tweet a lot.
42. Social media expert – I manually RT wisdom by other people in a shameless bid to garner retweets.
43. Formidable social media presence – I bought a shit ton of followers.
44. Video editing skills – Once spent an afternoon dicking around with iMovie.
45. I’m keen to focus on the next stage of my career – I’ve shagged everybody in this office and now I need an escape plan.
46. Achievements include – I will now take credit for things that happened at my company that actually had nothing to do with me.
47. Experience working in a fast-paced environment – Rarely fall asleep at my desk these days.
48. Fluent in – Dimly remember a smattering of
49. Communications director – I get paid an insane amount of money for taking people out to lunch.
50. PR executive – I send a lot of emails that journalists ignore.
51. PR director – I phone up journalists and ask them why they ignored the emails.
52. Strategist – Bullshitter.
53. Analyst – Pie chart specialist.
54. Chief Evangelist – LOL not even I know what I get paid for.
55. Management consultant – I go into companies and write long reports telling them to sack the people they had already decided to sack anyway.
56. Client-facing creative synergies – These words sound pretty good together, right?
57. Delivering multi-platform, full-stack content solutions – Please don’t ask me to explain what this entails.
58. Rock star – Huge douche.
59. Contact me at email@example.com – I still think it’s the ’90s.
60. My application takes the form of a viral video – Delete, delete, delete.
61. I like to work hard and play hard – I am worse than Hitler.