Originally posted on Buzzfeed.com.
We definitely have a version of each and every one of these people in Social Talent HQ! See if you can guess who’s who…
1. Swamped Thing (Busy Guy/Gal)
Description: The Swamped Thing is always too preoccupied with work to chat or help you with a project. Swamped Things answer your e-mails only after an immense amount of prompting. And as soon as you are locked into a project, they want to drain minutes out of your day with some very pressing issue that cannot wait. Everything the Swamped Thing is doing is the most important thing. Everyone else’s work, in his or her eyes, is essentially mini-golf or paddle boating.
Typical Quote: “Auto-Reply: It may be a while before I get to your e-mail, but that doesn’t mean it’s not important to me.”
2. “Cool” Boss
Description: Cool Boss wants you to know that he or she is just like you. Cool Boss doesn’t like wearing stuffy suits. Cool Boss isn’t hung up on “titles” or “company policy.” Except Cool Boss gets paid way more than you and can break rules with impunity while you tiptoe around making sure that Cool Boss’s Hard-ass Boss isn’t there to bust you.
Typical Quote: “Have you read Outliers? I think you’d really dig that shizz.”
Description: Yes, we ask each other how we’re doing in the office. None of us are monsters. Except the Oversharer, who uses a pleasantry as an excuse to launch into an in-depth monologue full of details that most of us wouldn’t even admit to our therapists. If there are any Oversharers reading this right now, just know three things: 1) No one wants to see more than one picture of your vacation. 2) The details about your love life are either making us jealous or bumming us out. 3) Yes, you should get that rash checked out, and you didn’t need to describe it to us first.
Typical Quote: “Have a good weekend! I’ll be spending mine alone again!”
4. Charlie Brownnoser
Description: The Brownnoser isn’t always the best employee, but he or she always seems like the best employee. Brownnosers refill the coffee pot. They hand in their paperwork on time. They do all the little things that endear them to bosses, even if they’re as smart as a Ziploc bag full of pudding.
Typical Quote: “Of course I can stay late!”
5. Office Comedian
Description: The Office Comedian should really be called the Office Racist or Office Sexual Harasser. Since Office Comedians laugh after everything they say, maybe Office Sociopath is more apt. We’ll say “Comedian” because that’s who they think they are.
Typical Quote: “What? Too soon?”
6. Guy Who Tells It Like It Is
Description: The Guy Who Tells It Like It Is is exactly like the Office Comedian except not even pretending to be kidding.
Typical Quote: “I’m just saying what everyone here is thinking.”
7. Weird IT Guy
Description: Not every information technology guy is weird, but everyone this weird is an IT Guy. Weird IT Guy combines a bunch of other tropes into one super-strange hoodie-clad body. There are the long-winded personal revelations you have no interest in. The jokes that are only recognisable as jokes because of the uncomfortable pause after them. The constant vibe of having somewhere more important to be. It’s like Weird IT Guy learned how to be human by taking the worst qualities of everyone else in the office and combining them. The only difference is, you really need the IT guy. So you listen to him talk about LARPing because who else is going to reset your network ID?
Typical Quote: [snicker] “Are you sure it’s plugged in??”
8. The Danny Glover
Description: The Danny Glover isn’t necessarily a man, or black, or named Danny. The Danny Glover is anyone whose overall vibe is “getting too old for this shit.” Danny Glover types complain about changes in technology. They complain about changes in protocol. They complain about you. Sometimes they come through when you need them to. But usually they’re just pissing and moaning when you need to get work done. (The Danny Glover’s nemesis is the Early Adapter, the one with the calendar in the cloud and the standing desk and a hologram butler.)
Typical Quote: “I guess that’s another password I need to remember.”
9. Gym Rat
Description: We all struggle with how to balance work, our social lives, and our health. Not the Gym Rat. They frequently use work facilities to change into and out of workout clothes, making the rest of us feel like total slobs. Not cool, Gym Rat. Colleagues’ workout regimens should be like their sex lives: We don’t care what you do on your own time; just don’t bring it into the office, and for goodness’ sake, shower afterward.
Typical Quote: “Anyone in for a fun run this Sunday at dawn? I’ll bring the Clif Bars!”
10. The Social Director
Description: The Social Director loves planning group activities for the office, from happy hours to softball leagues. Social Directors are maybe too into it, though. Like, what kind of life are they avoiding at home? How hollow or terrifying is their existence outside the office? Honestly, who cares? First round’s on them!
Typical Quote: “Be there or be square!”
Happy FRIDAY Recruiters!!!
- Josh Gondelman is an Emmy nominated writer, comedian and co-creator of the “Modern Seinfeld” Twitter account. He currently writes for HBO’s Last Week Tonight with John Oliver.
- Joe Berkowitz is editor and staff writer at Fast Company, covering entertainment and pop culture. His work has been featured in The Atlantic, GQ, Cosmopolitan and Huffington Post.
Excerpted from You Blew It!. To learn more, click here.